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Dear Dishwasher,
I need to know how to get past the wall my wife has built between the two of
us. I know she still loves me but she said she is scared to try again. I
have never stopped loving her or my son Saron. We need to be a family again.
Thank You,
Tom
Dear Tom,
To love someone is to truly love everything about them, their bad habits,
confused thinking, moodiness and as odd as this sounds, the WALLS. Periodic
or persistent, you have to accept distance, embrace it, respect it, and only
then may you begin to understand it. And understanding, listening to her, is
the unspoken priority for her before she can be open again. So, let go of
your opinions about this block, even though objectively speaking they may be
classroom perfect...you're not debating the social deterioration of families
in your culture...that is an entirely different situation, not to be
confused with marriages.
How do I actually do this?
Ask her questions that would help you understand her feelings. Asking
questions about her wall imply that you’re willing to accept the wall’s
existence. Now remember, these questions are not trick questions that only
lead to an answer that you have in mind. Your sincere questions express your
unconditional love and hence a desire to understand how she feels. This is
love...not when you say "I love you, I want to be a family".
Another way to think about her answers is to realize that they are
expressions of a feeling, not a statement of fact, even though they may be
verbalized as an observation. You know, sound like a statement that begs
refuting (That’s an argument). Absolutely do not argue.
For instance, the wife might say: "You are a very selfish
person." That sounds like a statement or observation (which could be
argued with evidence) when really it expresses a feeling of loneliness.
Listen more to the subtext, between the lines, unspoken levels of
communication. You see, you can't argue that a person does not feel what
they feel...they feel it, and that's it. Get out of the classroom debates
and into a marriage.
Argue about issues, not about feelings, in a marriage.
You can't lecture someone into a love relationship even though the ideals
of family would win any argument on a debate team. It doesn’t open hearts
in marriages....
Listen. Not critically, but with compassion to her answers. Do this and
soon your heart will really open to her condition. You will feel it and then
maybe you will understand her.
Listen and accept. Let empathy take over.
This is the beginning of true love; true unconditional love has no buts....
love her...wall and all…no conditions, no arguments. Listen.
If you do this, really do this, you will find that by giving up the goal
of removing the wall and replacing it with the goal of understanding, it is
possible that the wall might actually come down.
Summary:
There is only and always only one thing you can do when confronted by
The Wall:
#1: Love her, which means accept her (including wall).
#2: To demonstrate acceptance you must understand her (that's really all she
is asking…little secret: that's what the wall means).
#3: To understand you have to Listen to her (don't debate the values of
family).
#4: Empathize (this one is hard ‘cause you can't do it intentionally.
It will come naturally and quite surprisingly if you do allot of #3)
#5: Start over with number one.
Disclaimer: this approach does not necessarily lead to a particular end
.... but this is the only path that allows for right action to occur...the
only one that contains risk, courage, real challenge, and compassion.
The most precious things in life are only enjoyed when you learn to
let go of them. Your opinions, your intentions, your point of view. These
are all ways of holding, owning, and possessing the things you desire.
Read The
Little Prince...Again.
Yours truly,
The Dishwasher
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