|
Hi Dishwasher,
I'm married but lost the love we use to have. Where does love go anyway?
Yes, we care about each other, but we seem to argue more and more. I've
also developed a little crush on someone I work with and I noticed how
good it made me feel again, but I don’t want to throw away a marriage
over a silly crush. How can I find intimacy and passion with my husband.
Does it matter who you marry? Is it him or something we’re both doing
wrong.
Thanks,
Married me.
Dearest Married Me,
Where does love go? Actually it is destined to disappear as the original
recipe for love is altered when two people marry. Then what love is
left, in many ways, is chomped to bits by the habit monster. Routine is
the poison of love. Here is how it happens:
The "falling in love" emotion is really a delicate
neurological habit. The sensation or emotion of love is actually a
bundle of peptides and neurotransmitters doing a dance in your head and
body connecting the object of your love, and memory, pulse rates,
procreative urges and digestion etc. etc. It’s delicate because it
becomes dependent on all the ingredients to be there for it to work, so
when one of it's key ingredients like” yearning to be together” is lost,
then the emotion doesn’t happen. Poof no passion!
And then comes the habit monster into the love nest.
When two people join lifestyles and work schedules around eating and
sleeping the marriage becomes the routine circumstances of daily life
instead of the bundle of love it started out as, and then new tracks of
neurological habits(emotions) in response the new routine version of
marriage start to form. Some habits are endearing epithets to the
previous love like saying “sweetie this….” and “I love you darling” at
the end of every phone call. Many of these habits are attempts to cover
up and deny what is painfully lost. Partners eventually direct their
frustration from the loss of love into accusation in blaming the other
partner for it, (whatever it is) creating new habits of blame and
victimization. You find these phrases popping up in the 2d and 3d years
of marriage like “ there you go again”…and “you always…” (blame) and “I
don’t deserve….” (Victim) Marriage then becomes a bundle of negative
habits mixed with nostalgic memories of life before when things were
"better". It’s not surprising that sex can become exciting as these
negative habits start to collide. Arguments followed by sex are many
time a new habit in the marriage struggling with loss of passion. And
it's no surprise that the more in love the two are, the more repelled
they become at the routine life they create.
That’s where love goes, ok how do we get it back
again?
Intimacy is a good start and one you can choose. Passion you have to
leave alone and let it sneak up again. Intimacy depends on blatant
honesty which usually starts out on shaky ground as one of the partners
initiates and the other partner becomes defensive. You can start out by
talking about your marriage. You could say we have a "problem", but
understand it is a life problem of routine and lack of inspiration, not
a problem with the "other" partner. One of you can take the initiative,
but inspiration is what you're after, not a change in the attitude of
the other partner… your husband. Try not to be aggressive in your
description of the problem... Start with "I have a problem" "I'm not
inspired by my life. Help me with this.....rather than I have a problem
and it's you! Intimacy requires that the two partner talk to each other
openly and without judgment. So tell him about the crush on the
co-worker to start with.
Passion is more difficult. It can't be planned,
practiced or rehearsed. The foundation has to be there for passion to
erupt. Passion will be surprisingly easy when a person's energy is
creative, and "up". Back to inspiration. Let passion ambush you, don't
make it a goal. Goal achievement is the poison to passion.
Yours,
The Dishwasher.
More Dishwasher Essays |
