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Dear Dishwasher,
I feel a little strange asking for advice (from the Internet) but I have
no one left to turn to. Okay -here goes . . . I was dating this guy named
Robert for almost a year and then I realized that I wasn't ready to be
totally committed to just one person so I broke up with him. Now I am seeing
this guy named Anthony. He's very sweet and charming, and I love to be
around him. The problem? Well, I think I jumped into this relationship way
too fast. I was not completely over Robert. I am so in love with both of
them, and for completely different reasons. Robert is like my best friend,
he offers me a great deal of emotional support and I truly love him with all
my heart. In fact, when I think of the two of us being together, I see us
getting married and spending the rest of my life with him. Anthony is more
romantic, you could say, he takes me places and really treats me like a
princess. He's so fun to be around, and I care for him very much. It would
be great if I could put the two of them together!! Now, whom do I choose? If
I take too much time to think about it, I will lose them both. Please help!!
Lost in Love
Dear Elisabeth,
Consider other cultures and the way this process of finding a (mate) or
in our culture (true love) is done. For instance, in Middle Eastern cultures
the parents used to match the young people based on family upbringing and
connections, and they were expected to learn love as they grew together. In
early American culture, a good wife meant healthy, strong, and able to bear
children to work the farm. The idea that a feeling of attraction supported
by physical attraction (what we call love) is a smart guiding principle to
picking mates is nonsense. The divorce rate has soared in direct proportion
to the mass acceptance of this as a guiding principle.
Now, I don't suggest you go ask your parent whom to marry. The dating
system is the one we're stuck with. But you can separate in your mind,
dating, from prospecting for husbands...if you lose a dating
partner...that's not the end of the world. So, here is the advice: separate
in your mind two different activities. One is dating and the other is
considering marriage partners. Date them both or choose one...even if it is
a whimsical choice.
A note: you have in your intuitive mind all the answers...you know what
is best and in fact, you know the future. The only way to access this part
of your brain is to let go of thinking, relax, pretend to ignore the
question, let the truth surface. Love like truth disappears into nothingness
when held too tightly by the mind. You might dream the answer, or it might
come to you in a message unrelated to the question...be aware. Be less
serious.
Be daring. Be quiet.
"There
is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in."
(from The
Future, Leonard Cohen)
For further reading:
The
Magus.
Listening:
Leonard Cohen. "The
Future"
Leonard Cohen. "Songs
of Love and Hate"
(more specifically, the song "The Ballad of
the Absent Mare")
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