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Dear Dishwasher,
My husband is very different from me. We have differing opinions on
about everything but especially in spiritual matters. Our backgrounds
and family history is also very different…which could explain things.
Although he had an abusive and neglected upbringing and holds in a lot
of anger about that, he is very sweet, talented and caring. He is also a
recovering alcoholic and has a very poor self image. To top it off he
was recently laid off from work after 15 years with this one company.
Since, he’s been unable to find work he feels worthless. From my point
of view it’s obvious that he keeps manifesting to himself the proof that
he is unworthy of a good Job thus not getting one. He is a self
fulfilling prophecy of his own beliefs. He believes he can’t get a job
so he doesn’t. When I point this out to him he accuses me of being
superior. He doesn't agree that there is a connection between our
thoughts and our happiness and success. He thinks my ideas about god and
laws of the universe come from dime store self help books and is all
baloney designed to sell more books. I’m worried for him and our
marriage.
What should I do?
Marcie
Dearest Marcie,
The very good news is that you don't have to convince him of anything;
in fact, you should not try to bring about intellectual agreement as a
prelude to change. Forget the lectures, they are for classrooms not
marriages. Change happens in people, but rarely as a result of having
just lost an argument. The dynamics are far more important than the
content of your beliefs. The fact that you think differently does not
have to destroy relationship at all. Let the laws of the universe
express themselves beautifully through your life. You have to choose
between being a therapist and a companion. Relax around him, accept him
totally just like he is with the thoughts he has. What he says he
believes is just a response to you "having the answers". Those answers
always sound simplistic and superior when put into words… so, drop the
words, live the life. Focus on joy and having a good time together,
dine, cook, massage, make, play and simply be...together. Don't focus on
his attitude, depression or behavior, focus on activities. Let your
personalities and bodies form around good intention. Don't make a goal
out of growing-changing-enlightening-learning.
And it's true there is a connection between thoughts
and our happiness. There is also a connection between our minds and our
bodies, but knowing that does not enable someone to break through fear
that fuels depression and negative self images. Love and acceptance
does, however. Love and accept him…..as he is. Play with children as
much as possible. Talk less.
Yours,
The Dishwasher
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