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Okay, let's see. Where to begin. Last night I got very drunk. I'm a small
girl and I didn't realize how drunk I was getting until all of a sudden,
BAM. I was hanging out with 1 girl, 3 guys. All of sudden shit got crazy, I
don't remember clearly, it's a blur. People started hooking up, and I think
I had sex with this one guy. I THINK I had sex... I feel that my boyfriend
doesn't deserve me, possibly. He's so sincere in his love and faithful. He
doesn't deserve to be hurt. I've cheated on him before. But I'm going to try
so hard, I WAS trying too hard, I just slipped up a little. I want us to
work out. I almost feel like I need him by my side to keep myself in check
or something, and the second he's away I'm a WILD CHILD.
Last night was f*cked up because I feel like I slipped back into my past.
I thought I was over that. I didn't realize it was a pattern, if that's
what it is. It better not be.
Sandra
Dear, dear girl,
Sorry this reply is so late, and I'm sure you're feeling much better now,
but these events tend to reoccur until the underlying conflicts resolve
themselves.
First, let me tell you a little bit about guilt. GUILT SHMILT! Guilt is
the longing for punishment, the yearning for some real pain that will
release you from a conflict about security... It is a childish, sometimes
neurotic equation that plays itself out over and over again in people’s
lives. When a child misbehaves, punishment is a welcome relief and signals
the ending of an inner conflict about love and security. As children we
learn that wrong behavior jeopardizes our relation with the source of love
and security, to get punished reunites our good standing with parental love
and care.
As we grow up our real parents are recreated inside our heads and
continue to play the right and wrong tunes of our childhood, and when we
misbehave we feel scared and out of the glow of parental love. To seek
punishment is the only cure, unless we make one of those transitions into
real adulthood...and I don't mean your inner parent finally conquers the
child in you controlling your impulses. Growing up doesn't mean your child
goes to sleep. The transition I'm thinking of begins when you accept
yourself and take responsibility for your actions. Accept your impulses,
your silliness, your infidelity, your contradictory nature, and your
vitality. Accept it, don’t judge it. And then you also accept the
consequences of your actions, which might be a night in jail, a broken
relationship, hurt feelings, disapproval, lost jobs, or hardships. You'll
know when you've accepted responsibility when you are able to tell the
truth...all of it. This is real freedom and it feels very good, believe me,
better than you can ever imagine...
Tell your boyfriend who you really are, tell the truth, accept the
results. Learn from real life (not the echoes of your inner parents) what
you want to do, not on the rules provided for you by parents. If getting
loaded and out of control is ultimately not fun, decide not to do it. When
you do it anyway, observe it as your life, don't judge it. Start to make
choices based on your experiences, and accept the results, accept the real
life consequences, say you're sorry when you make the wrong choice, tell the
truth. Don't judge yourself for mistakes you make just accept
responsibility, let go of guilt, understand it as child's resolution and a
way to avoid responsibility. Choose freedom. Everything else will fall into
place.
Sincerely,
The Dishwasher
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