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Dear Dishwasher,
I have been married to this woman for 12 years. Things started going
down hill after she got “religion”. All she does is eat sleep religion,
morning till night. No cooking, no cleaning, the house is a mess. We use
to be able to work out any problems we had…now she just says hello and
goodbye going back and forth to church. I still love her dearly.
What to do,
Johnny D.
Dearest Johnny,
Your love of 12 years has had a profound experience that she feels you
do not understand. She's not going to communicate with you about her
experiences because she fears you will judge her. Loving someone means
being there for them... without judgment. As soon as one partner feels
judged a rift occurs in the relationship, a distance and a loss of
trust. Love exists on the shoulders of this trust. Judging and being
judged separates partners as they race to protect themselves. Opinions
and superiority protect one partner from pain while running away will
protect the other.
Your opinions and observations may likely be correct,
but in relationship they have less importance because the priority is to
listen and understand. To do that, you have to learn to be present
without your judgment. This is love in action; no easy task.
If you really love her simply show a sincere
willingness to listen and understand what's she's going through
regardless of what you think is valid or right for her. Put aside your
opinions about the church. She may also be very confused and really need
you (not your opinions) Being a partner means being willing to be there
no matter what strange experience descends on the other partner, and
believe me, there is all kinds of strange and hard to understand chunks
of life out there.
As soon as you can simply state that you are there
with all ears and very interested in what happened to her...Don't say
you miss her, you love her that's all about you...Love is about...the
OTHER person. Ask questions, refrain from judgment.
This is a very, very, difficult assignment,
especially for the "macho man" in which being "right" is far more
important than being in love.
Decide what kind of man you are.
Yours,
The Dishwasher
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