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Dear Dishwasher, My girlfriend and I are in a peculiar
pattern that doesn't seem right. We stumbled quit innocently into
inflicting pain as kind of foreplay and then lately it's been getting
more serious. I'll spare you the details but it seems I enjoy getting
hurt most of the time and she seems to enjoys doing it to me. I'm afraid
we can't have sex unless we hurt each other. Are we marching down a path
to S and M?
A little concerned
Dearest Little C,
Not really. S&M focuses on the roles of dominance and
submissiveness in sexual practices. This can involve pain and some
individuals do enjoy mixing up pain and pleasure in sex. You could
choose to develop this sexual theme by joining S and M culture (meeting
others who share similar tastes) Some people may have an unhealthy
psychological history that causes them to seek comfort in mixing pain
and sex. The idea, however, is much more interesting on a more
existential level. Consider this impulse to explore this new
territory--the act of discovery is satisfying one of man’s basic
survival instincts. Curiosity is hard wired into our systems. And at the
heart of any “exploration” is the thrill of danger and the anticipation
of discovery. This is how America was discovered. This is truly great
sex. Are you discovering America by having sex? As our
lifestyle speeds up both physically and emotionally the scenery goes by
quickly and superficially --too fast to connect. Our mind whose job is
to make sense of it all, is in a blizzard of constant media, while our
emotions are in constant whip lash by repetitive invitations to join or
to acquire. The result is a sweet numbness as we speed by,
consuming as fast as we can, but not really connecting, all the while
living a beautiful illusion that we are very connected.
Today most of our communications are casual, practical, and shallow--the
lady at the check out, telephone operators and electronic voices,
designed to move us away from emotional content in order to get the
business done. All this is not really living, and so we enter a sort of
life deprivation, similar to sleep deprivation. We feel agitated,
hungry, unfulfilled. When this happens all aspects of our lives suffer.
Even sex sometimes becomes dull, superficial, and
repetitive. The plain fact is we yearn to have real heart felt emotions
and feel our bodies moving in space – not in a car that’s moving in
space. This is hunger of a very spiritual kind, a human hunger, what we
do about it is…well.. In this sense, S&M is one possible remedy.
And then we discover America!
You remember, a little exploration. By accident
maybe, like you describe, you figure out that an artificial built up of
tension makes sex better. It hurts…kiss it. Ah! A cycle is born, a
little neurosis (psychological knot that’s causes behavior beyond your
control,) and for a while a great hunger is satiated,or so it seems. S&M
could be seen as a spiritual paddle to wake us up to our hunger. The
truth is maybe we all should do a little S&M, just like we should all
take a hot sauna and then jump in icy water. We should all definitely
discover America and each other…. every day. Yours,
The Dishwasher Licence my roving hands, and let
them go
Before, behind, between, above, below.
O, my America, my Newfoundland,
--John Donne, "TO HIS MISTRESS
GOING TO BED." More Dishwasher Essays |
