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Dear dishwasher,
I am depressed in Alaska. I've been married for 35 years and
I have lost all inspiration to live, and every attempt to change the things
that I believe are wrong with our life is met with resistance and negativity.
For instance, I think we need a more social life…he doesn't. I think we
should travel…he won't. I don't know how to change his attitude so we can
liven up our life before I just totally give up.
Sincerely and utterly despondent
Dearest Utterly, Changing someone else's behavior has, of course, been of great interest to
humanity since anyone can remember. The truth is, most strategies end up being
coercion and have the opposite affect. Changing behavior in your self or
someone else is a subversive activity surrounded by compassion and requires a
lot of patience. And the worst place to start is with the mind, with an
argument or logic. The reason is your mind is programmed for survival and
change is regarded as a threat to that survival. This is true even if the
behavior in the long run is self-destructive. The psychological self is made
up of many little selves all exhibiting different feelings wrapped around
various roles and habits. The survival instinct is programmed into every bad
habit, every neurotic behavior, every fearful self-image and every good
attribute that makes up all of us. This is why approaching your problem in terms of "him changing" will
not work - it is threatening. Offering the mind explanations, argument, logic,
examples, and reasons, all will be met with resistance because his position is
not an intellectual one but an emotional one. The mind's job is to protect the
emotional state. But, changes do occur in people's behavior. It happens without the mind
knowing it and soon the mind will be voicing confirmation of the new behavior
as if it was the obvious chosen course of action. The best subversive approach
to change is living by example. Don't talk about becoming sociable, simply
become a little more sociable yourself. Be patient and quiet in your new role.
Once he is use to YOUR new behavior you'll find some hesitant steps toward
you, maybe. Don't notice it, just treat this a natural behavior, and let
things flow if they will. He may never budge, but at least you gave him an
opportunity to live life differently by your own example. Another aspect of subversive personality change is to not focus on the
perceived problem. To identify the problem as "his lack of sociable
behavior" creates goal orientation in you that he senses and that
triggers his survival instinct to resist. So forget about changing him at all.
Simply love him as you do for who he is and allow yourself to experiment with
new roles of behavior for yourself. It's much easier to get someone to follow
you than to push them out the door into a new life. You have to pretend it
doesn't matter. Let go of your specific goal. Make it absolutely not important
to you that he changes anything. Seduce him into a new way of relating. Be
light, humorous and loving in your approach and give it time. Work on it in
very small ways over a longer period of time. Make it a non-issue. He'll never
know. The other part of the change equation is compassion. The softness of love
nurtures the fearful heart allowing the mind to relax its hold on the status
quo. Loving someone is painful sometimes but love him always absolutely as he
is "stuck in the mud" unsociable self. Love him more now than ever.
Do not judge, analyze or define his behavior. Just love him as he is. Yours truly,
The Dishwasher More Dishwasher Essays | 
