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Dear Dishwasher,
I have been dating Susan seriously for almost five years. I love her more
than I can even imagine and she says the same about me. The problem is she
gets upset and falls into some black hole or something; she clams up and
just cuts off all communication. If we do talk it's short and superficial.
I'm not dealing with this too well, so I'm avoiding any contact with her.
I figured out that I need to respect her need for "space". What
hurts is: What about the things that I need? There seems to be a pattern
here…She gets pissed, falls into a hole, leaves me hanging on, which I
do, giving her a big space until she comes out of it. When everything is
fine again I'm even thankful I had a patient response… but the routine
is becoming more painful every time. Am I doing the right thing? Should I
change my responses to her? I would appreciate any help or advice you can
offer.
George
My Dearest George,
Let me suggest three contradictory approaches when achieved in the right
order they become building blocks to practicing love.
First off don't try to change your response because in
doing so you'll become manipulative and unnatural. It's better to have a
natural mess on your hands than a contrived right response. Don't analyze
your responses just notice them. If patience comes naturally, say a prayer
of thanks. If you're trying to pretend to be patient while hoarding
thoughts of "why me oh lord" then letting go a little is called
for. Just notice how you respond and notice above all how you feel. Notice
what it feels like when you love her and give the gift of patience. True
patience is like sailing in the wind. A Contrived patience is like a
straight jacket.
When she falls into her black hole recognize it as pain
and in time you may know where it came from...could be from the darkest
regions of past experiences that even she doesn't know. Just understand it
as pain and a reenactment of a childhood response. Similar to locking
yourself in your room when your parents are fighting. Imagine her locked
in that room. How does that make you feel? Notice that too. Absolutely do
not attempt to explain or intellectualize her state of mind. Avoid the
pitfalls of pitiful psychologizing. This diminishes her and you and avoids
the precious opportunity to love someone. It's easy to love when the
rhythm is together... learning to let go of your own perspective comes
with experience in loving when the rhythm is lost. She is your guru in
this. Thank her for it. Notice that too.
Do not argue, rationalize, of plead unfairness. Do not
discuss explain or demand. Love only, let go, breath out. Tell her how you
feel and that you are there for her and let her come back to you when
she's ready. Love is never made in the classroom of the mind. Don't
debate, have serious discussions or analyze her. All of this is
manipulation. Love is quiet. Love is playful.
You're not a saint but you can pretend to be one. Write
your script and follow it. As anyone in theatre knows...we all become who
we pretend to be...just be careful who you pretend to be. Be thankful you
have a guru who will teach you to sail. Take care of her and only her. Any
healing you need will come.
All people do not develop the same way with the same
needs with the same stuff of past life...life is not fair or equal and
especially in relationships of love. There is only one directive: love her
unconditionally. It's not about you, it's about her.
That's how we learn...love.
You are blessed.
The Dishwasher
When she's "off" love her more, love her unconditionally. More Dishwasher Essays | 
