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Dear Dishwasher;
I just realized something and panicked. I have never been in
a serious relationship. I'm afraid that I will either end up alone, or that I
will fall into the first relationship that happens. I have asked my friends,
and they tell me it will come naturally, and I will know it. But I don't think
so. I have come to believe that I'm somehow emotionally retarded. I am still
very young, only eighteen. I see people around me that might want to be in a
relationship with me but I can't get it beyond friends. Tell me what to change
about myself and I will do it. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix
this problem. Should I major in psychology?
No confidence and scared
Julie
My Dearest Julie,
There is an incredible variety of pathways to this place called "being in
a relationship" the problem is they all look from the outside pretty much
the same. This gives young people the illusionary standard by which to judge
one's progress. You look at your circle of friends some of whom are acting
like they are in relationship of one kind or another, (some are and some are
not believe me) and you see movies. From this picture you've formed a standard
that you compare yourself to and THIS is what makes you feel nervous. Lesson
One: throw away this comparison (you V. them) there is no standard, and I
suspect from the maturity of your writing you're further along than you
realize. Throw away the comparison and without that…there is no sense of
failure. Be yourself.
In young people a relationship is more defined by the outward appearances: The
date, the events (homecoming proms) the props of romantic interest (cards,
sharing Cds, even old-fashioned ones like the giving of flowers and
chocolates). In between these events that are the symbols of a relationship
begins a learning process of sharing feelings and listening, understanding one
another's feelings. Shared activities are the ostensible parts of
relationship, but the nuts and bolts (the real stuff) happen silently as you
do things together. Your love muscles begin to develop quietly without you
even noticing. Only the skills for this can be focused and practiced: learn to
listen, be playful and creative, learn to be spontaneous, learn to share your
feelings. Learn to be non-judgmental. Only these things you can practice.
Lesson two then is: try not to make "having a relationship" your
goal. When you give purpose and intention you will add a mental aspect to the
process that is disruptive. Intention is the enemy of enlightenment. Let go of
your self-judgement and let go of your goal. Then it will happen naturally.
Romance is never learned in the classroom of the mind. That's for math and
sciences, inputting data and sorting it, and spitting back out. Relationship
is only learned by experience slowly and subtly. And utilizes the skills of
listening, spontaneity, and creative sharing of feelings. You can practice
those only. Theatre is the best classroom for learning those. Practice play.
Be yourself. Be honest. Have fun.
Skip psychology and major in theater and computer science. Have fun and make
money! Psychology and the study of relationship, marriage and family, is more
academic than therapeutic. Therapy is the planned and imposed experience
conducted by counselors in order to bring about growth that didn't happen
naturally. But even a therapist in their own personal life with all the
knowledge in the world has to let go of all the goals, theories and strategies
to be in relationship, has to live life spontaneously, naturally,
compassionately and learns this step by step like very body else.
Between the ages of 17 and 25 and then again between 25 and 40 and then again
and again there is an incredible journey waiting for you of exploring the
deepest and most profound experiences of life and I guarantee you will not be
passed by. You are destined for a full and beautiful marriage someday. Don't
rush the process. You'll only miss something if you're looking too hard for
it. There is no problem and please, please don't try to fix anything Let go
and be yourself. Spontaneous, caring, honest,
laughing you.
Yours truly,
The Dishwasher
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