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Dear Dishwasher,
I have been trying to explain to my wife that there is more to life than just enjoying dinner together. I believe that to find
happiness in a long term relationship the two people involved need to have a
focused activity together that helps weave the relationship together. Some
people play sports together, others go square dancing or sing…some bond
together in church work. I'm not satisfied.
Thanks
George
My Dearest George,
All true, indeed, my dear George marriages weave their life stories
around projects, both ordinary and inspirational, house holder activities
and hobbies, jobs and pastimes. The life of activities that we observe is
not the real life we lead. You know this already. The circumstances of our
lives leave a trail of numbers and names that eventually will be forgotten,
but the real life story is told on a different channel. Love or intimacy is
one such spiritual channel that is woven into the fabric of your living. And
you're suggesting to your wife that you pay more attention to this channel
of living by initiating some new activities and in this way enhance the
quality of your marriage…it spirituality. You would like to do this
intentionally. And then you would be satisfied.
And this is where I have to caution you. It is the very nature of a
love relationship (the spiritual aspect) that resists intention,
organizational prodding. It's like trying very hard to …..relax. The
spiritual mechanics are all backward. When you try or intend to do anything
the muscles of will power and intention tighten up. To become spiritual
requires that you lighten up, let go, be humble, Being patient. In the West
and with most men, problem solving is task oriented. Define the problem,
figure out (read or discuss) a solution, implement the solution and voila….a
better life, a conflict resolved, disaster averted, problem solved. This
formulae works great in the physical world we live in, the organizations
that we create ,in politics, but absolutely has nothing to do with spiritual
work, this Western formulae can not be applied to spiritual work, or the
spiritual aspect of marriage.
It is an illusion that we can fix, alter, generate intimacy or love,
simply because we can verbalize these notions. Being able to describe things
in books has created more spiritual ignorance in Western Man than any other
phenomenon of progress. A very false sense of spirituality arises from
reading or talking about it too much. When you're able to buy knowledge and
own it in book form…..it really creates the illusion of being on a
spiritual path. That's usually a personal identify path (you are the sum
total of the books on your shelf) .
In matters of the heart, remember, forget everything you think
you've learned and proceed. Do not use directions, instructions, formulas,
recommendations, advice, books, essays, maps, guidelines, laws, history, and
anything I've said in your effort to create a more spiritual marriage. You
should certainly read, ask ,listen, meditate, understand history, and
surround yourself with as much cultural or religious support as you think
necessary but when you live your life….when you proceed in action, do it
with spontaneity and intuition. Do it with laughter and imagination, seduce
your wife with pleasure and drama. Do it from the heart.
Understand intention as the enemy of enlightenment. To intend means
to control or own….to possess. Love cannot be possessed.. Love is never
the result of a debate or a lecture. Leave the classroom for exercises of
the mind.
Love and intimacy can never be the stated goal. Say it softly to
yourself maybe, whisper it in prayer, but never pronounce it as the goal for
in doing so you attempt to possess and control it. Love only bubbles up …it
is never harnessed. Love washes over you…you can't hold on to it.
If you would like to take the leadership in deepening the spiritual
side of marriage do it quietly obliquely, never begin with a stated goal, or
a dissatisfaction cloaked as a helpful observation, don't begin with a
discussion about the nature of marriage If an activity comes to mind…just
do it, don't analyze its value for the marriage, just say: "Why don't
we go ballroom dancing. Love…..be quiet. Learn massage. Smile. Talk less
about it. Hold one another. Argue politics, debate movie reviews, exchange
ideas, but as for love …throw away the manual.
Listen. Take risks.
Deepen your awareness first in prayer and meditation. Simply observe
yourself and your feelings. Ask her questions about her feelings. Act on
your intention to increase understanding by listening Practice Love. Suggest
nothing. Play naturally. Be patient. Let go of your intentions… be more
Spiritual . First be aware of the simple acts you share together, Like an
evening meal. Enjoy the ordinary miracles first. Avoid TV.
George, there is a wonderful book called Zen
and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that was written in the seventies,
not specifically about intimacy but the principles are the same. The
principle of letting go as an intended path toward spiritual development
seems contradictory ….and it is. It seems that the more words you throw at
this subject the further away it gets…it's true.
The Dishwasher More Dishwasher Essays |
