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Dear Dishwasher,
I have been in my current relationship for 3 1/2 years...I must
admit I was swept off my feet by a wonderful man of my dreams …he was
understanding, romantic, caring all of it. Over the past three years he
has become critical, and is constantly yelling and being rude, ordering my
daughter and me around, and becoming upset when we haven't lived up to his
expectations. He treats me horribly, now.....I just want someone who is
kind, gentle, and open...like he used to be. I am miserable beyond
words..... I was married for over 20 years to a man who had no emotion, no
expression, and abusive in numerous ways. I'm afraid I'm making the same
mistake again.....What do I do?
Teresa
Dearest Teresa,
Honey you should be scared of making the same mistake because most
people do. If there is one spiritual principle that is manifest in
relationship it is the principle of repetition. People make the same
mistake over and over again and it’s not because we’re particularly
dumb, but that life is structured this way. You don’t get your next
problem to solve in life until you’ve mastered this one. What a mess it
would be if God gave us our advanced assignments before we could complete
the earlier ones. Your intuition is correct…there is a tendency to
repeat.
What you need to sort out before going deeply into relationship
with anyone is what constellation of emotions produced your last marriage.
You were attracted to a man with no emotion, no expression and abusive…so
why did you do that? (I’m sure you’ve already been asking yourself
that) A note about self help: Your conscious mind is not a good companion
to rely on…solely…your mind also has another agenda, a mind of its
own: You mind is like a drill sergeant…its job is to maintain the status
quo of your emotional equilibrium at all cost and it does not evaluate the
health or usefulness of that equilibrium. Any suggestion to change the way
you feel and think about certain issue is viewed as a threat to the status
quo. Your mind will naturally sabotage the effort to change in order to
maintain your life the way it is. (This is why it is so extremely
difficult to change) This is a survival instinct developed over milleniums
of human development. We are survival oriented not change oriented. The
problem is that our personalities develop slowly one block at a time
through childhood and the end result may or may not bring you what you
want in life. So, we all spend most of the second half of life figuring
out how to amend, undo and reshuffle what happened in the first part. My
advice is not to try to figure it out alone, in these matters two brains
are better than one. But I don’t mean find a counselor. I don’t like
professional spiritual help—pay a fee, talk for an hour every week. Talk
with whom ever you feel comfortable with but start talking. Also, there is
much written by therapists on this subject of women ending up in abusive
relationships over and over again and why. Start reading. There is a
pattern.
One other thought. Rule number #3 in all relationship building:
You can never predicate a relationship on the desire, hope, or goal of
changing the partner. You have to accept unconditionally the character,
eccentricities, nature, personality, behavior of the partner as it is—this
is love in its truest sense. Now, behavior may change over time on its on
if allowed to through the chemistry of the love relationship, but this
change can never be a goal. Making this a goal will insure that that
behavior will never change. A request, demand or even a suggestion to
change is viewed by the drill sergeant brain of the other person as a
threat to the status quo and will start building up defenses.
Rest assured dear that nothing happens by accident. Your current
partner is your teacher—just like an angry dog teaches patience to the
trainer. He is there for a reason. There is a plan and purpose to your
life and the circumstances that you have created. You don’t have to know
the plan to benefit from it’s presence.
With your current partner, I would drop all expectations—relax.
I would let go of all judgments about his behavior—love him. Observe
your thoughts and feelings—smile at yourself. Focus on play not on your
problems. This is to normalize the emotional tension and settle the energy
down. Win all arguments by simply agreeing. If there is love there the
relationship will begin again. If there is none it will dissolve away….and
so it should.
Good luck in love and God bless.
The Dishwasher
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