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Dear Dishwasher,
I have been dating a guy for six months now, and I suspect that he
is sleeping with his roommate…a another guy. He is from Romania. I've
been excusing some of his behavior based on that, but I 'm not sure. When
we first started dating he would often bring his roommate with him, which
I didn't think was unusual at the time. Then I noticed lots of he
gay-friendly jokes, Every month or so he has a party with all the guys
where they drink a lot of vodka and watch movies, no women are allowed at
all. He even admitted to relationship with a transvestite many years ago.
This is driving me nuts. I'm becoming obsessive about this and
it's hurting our relationship. We use to have such a good time. I don't
want to hound him on this issue. I just want to know the truth. Is he gay
or not. I wish someone would tell me that his behavior is all just an
accident and I'm making all this up.
Dear worried,
The answer to your problem is not the answer to your question,
"Is he gay?" He may be straight now and gay later, or gay a
little bit and straight later. The truth is people are not categorically
anything all the time. Life if fluid and ever changing. The definitions we
give life only help assuage our insecurities about ourselves and the world
we live. In other words, we feel better when there are hard definitions
around us, protecting us, in the chaotic confusing world in which we live.
When we learn to live with possibly (so what if he is gay or not gay) our
lives become in tune with the nature of things (fluid) So, it is
liberating, relaxing to not worry at all.
This is the point that friendship begins, and understanding takes
place. The opposite is living in fear and holding on, forming opinions,
and definitions to guide us. Focus on loving, communicating, trying to
understand the nuances of his cultural differences, quit trying to get
definitive answers, Give up the Yes or no, go for the shades and colors of
answers that come naturally when you're in a love relationship or
friendship. Eventually if you do become real friends or partners you will
work through life's questions together. Fear demands answers; love asks
for understanding.
What if you demanded "the truth" and he in response told
you that he was gay. Out of fear you wanted security about your future and
demanded a definition. Out of frustration he complied by choosing a
definition for himself. But in reality definitions are always only
temporary for as long as they are needed. Even if he says he's gay …you
don't really know for sure because he doesn't really know…. for sure. .
What he would be really saying is I'm choosing that particular definition
for my life now in response to your frustration. What if in three years he
works through his sexuality and chooses women, become a very feeling and
understand person as a result of his struggle. Life Stories are never
written in such absolute terms, only on TV or in the movies, real life is
fluid, changing and full of surprises. Be there for the surprises.
If he has a secret, relax, let the relationship develop to the
point that he feels comfortable in revealing himself. to you.
Yours,
Dishwasher More Dishwasher Essays |
