|
Dear Dishwasher
I'm a 22yr old guy that is having a little trouble. I have been dating
this girl for about a year now. I love her dearly, but I feel there is
something not right. At the first of our relationship we had a very intense
sexual relationship, but lately we've stopped because we both want to get
closer to God. The only problem is that since we stopped our relationship
has been anything but satisfying. I want to be close to her again but she
has seemed to lose interest in me. She denies it, but actions speak louder
than words. I just don't understand it. I want to work it out but have been
unsuccessful. She says that we don't have a problem. I disagree.
I would please like some advice.
Bill
Dear Bill,
I knew a monk who used to talk about his celibacy, describing it in terms
of airplanes and automobiles. Most of us drive our cars over the bumpy
roads, twisting and turning over the hot asphalt, trying as best we can to
get There. If all you knew was the automobile, other options would not be
considered.
Consider the amazement and wonder of someone flying in an airplane
staring out the window at the slow moving automobiles way down there on the
ground. Sex has many different levels of experience... it’s like getting
there. On a physical level it’s like the automobile: slow, wet, hot and
rough. Allot of fun, sex is like automobiles...celibacy (different from
abstinence) is getting there much quicker...same experience but on a
different level. It's good to explore all the levels of sex (flying), but
very hard to imagine flying if you've never heard of airplanes.
Your impulse to withdraw from sex was probably a good one...intuitively
knowing that there is more to the union of man and women than you've
experienced so far.
One way to heighten sexual experience is to in fact do the opposite. This
increases your sensitivity and awareness of each other's presence, it allows
for the building blocks of relationship to take shape...getting you ready
for that very exciting airplane ride. The biggest obstacle to ecstatic sex
(airplane rides) is the speed in which young people pursue it...skipping the
necessary layers of experience that readies a person for flying. Go slow.
But, it sounds like there are other layers of miscommunication or
manipulation happening in your relationship. To fix this, redouble your
efforts to understand, listen and attend to your girlfriends wishes, avoid
absolutely all argument, only ask questions, let go of your opinions about
the way things should proceed and focus only on listening and loving her.
Don't argue or debate the course of action your relationship should
take...debate is for classrooms to exercise your mind...love thrives on
understanding, listening...and play. The more you discuss it the further
you'll be from love. Love cannot be possessed like an idea or achieved like
a goal...the mind destroys it like cold water on a fire...go play, have
fun... listen, ask questions, listen to her answers, understand her.
She'll come back only if you create the inner circumstance that attracts
her heart.
Find two beads and a safety pin. Put the beads through the pins and wear
it like a button. Every time you are tempted to discuss your relationship
instead of enjoying it...touch the button to disconnect that impulse. One
bead represents airplanes and the ecstasy that awaits you if you are
patient, the other bead represents the fire that is extinguished by the cold
water of argument, debates and opinions. No marriage is ever made in the
classrooms of the mind. Get out and play.
The Dishwasher
More Dishwasher Essays | 
